"Has got me in trouble. I said too much again..."
The story of my life! Most of the time I will speak on something that I know something about or feel a certain way about it. However, it still doesn't prevent me from saying anything cringe worthy.
When things like this happen, where I don't properly read my audience or I voice an opinion that is not widely concurred I become overly over-analytical. I move so far into my head I respond poorly and either will try to over correct, or overcompensate OR decide in the moment to speak less and censor everything.
Which would lead me down a path of lessening me. Slowly and surely, I have worked on this particular method of coping with "foot-in-mouth" syndrome and just as progressively I see my words as conflicting.
Of all the reasons, I started this blog, this is the biggest. I have said this before. A blog allows me to think before I post. Which is also a reason why I don't have as many posts...because I am thinking TOO much, but I digress.
Words carry weight for me. When emotion and vulnerability is attached and fused with those words...it becomes so infused with me that it can be harmful.
Does that make sense? That my words have the potential to harm me? Yes, I am sure it does.
I rarely hold to others words unless they match my own. The things that have hurt me the most in life was not inflicted from someone else but through myself.
Rejection hurt because I degraded myself.
It doesn't matter if it is truth or lies, if I have spoken it or thought about it and someone else calls it out, whether or not they see it, I hold on it.
This isn't the mature thing to do emotionally...but at least I am aware of it.
However, this has progressed into something I believe is far more destructive.
When outer words, either good or bad, no longer are received, both the bad and the good are rejected.
Now, it has evolved into my words carry the most weight. And since for years negativity has clouded my mind, the negative latch on first.
The battle is detachment and replacement.
I know this. I believe I understand it. I just need to figure out how to change it.
All of this could potentially make zero sense. I don't know what to tell you. I'm working through some stuff. *shrug*.