I found some writing last night that I want to share. I remember when I wrote it. I was working at a church with some of my favorite people. Before every staff meeting we would have worship and someone would give a word or devotion. I HATED this part. I hated having to speak in front of everyone, I hated the feeling of potential judgement. I hated not being able to know their thoughts. Crazy. To be surrounded by so much love and acceptance and still have these feelings.
The reason was simple. I had NEVER truly shared my heart with these people. I'm an introvert and prefer to have conversation one on one. 3 people or more is a crowd. But it didn't matter, this was required.
See I had a notion in my head of what this part of the meeting was supposed to be. I thought, based on what others had done before me, it had to be a certain way. I tried it once and it sucked. It didn't feel authentic to me. So, when my turn came back around I had something different. This was something in my area of comfort and passion.
What you are about to read is the very first thing I read aloud to anyone. It isn't perfect. but it was exactly how I was feeling and what I was going through. And I didn't know how to communicate except through what made sense to me. So, special thanks to all of those individuals in the MCK staff meetings. I love you guys. And thanks to CBG's God Loves Ugly workbook. It helped me break through a wall I had built at a young age.
So here is goes:
She sat there waiting. Hoping that an answer would be given to her. For she didn't have one. What did it mean and how would she explain it? She looked into the darkness with small light streams breaking through the fabric of the curtains. With a sigh of frustration for the missing piece she closed her eyes and asked simply into the surrounding air, "how do I do this? How can I fix this? The empty room pushed her words back to her, circling and repeating.
To her right, there was a tray with the needed tools to make it better. To the left, was a bowl with nothing in it. Waiting to be filled. Sterilized and clean she reached for the cool unstained knife examining and hesitating, wondering if she had what it took to do what needed to be done.
With resolve, she replaced the knife on the tray, took a few breathes and reached into her chest, withdrawing her heart and clasping it in her hands.
Tears began to form around her eyes for she had no idea of the level of damage. Moving quickly, she took the tools and began removing all the unhealthy tissue.
Time passed and dark blood covered her hands. She finished. Most of the bad was cut away and what was left was sewn up. What could she do with what was left? It was drained of life and wasn't whole. Taking the halved heart, she forced it back in her chest.
Emptiness and phantom filled the hollow spaces. Thoughts circled her mind singling out one as she sat in silence staring at the pieces that once filled her heart space, "This is worse than before." Reaching back inside she took her heart out, holding it in both hands as warmth surround her.
"What do you want?" asked a warm light.
Staring at her broken, lifeless heart she replies to the bodiless voice, "I need a new heart." Finding comfort she listened for the reply.
"You need a whole heart."
There is nothing for her to say. She had a whole heart but it wasn't complete.
"Place your heart in my hands."
She does as was asked and gives half of the heart to the hands.
"All of your heart," replied the bodiless voice.
"But those pieces are broken and damaged. They are useless."
"I need all of your heart."
Gathering up the cut pieces, she places them into the hands unsure of the worth left in her heart.
"With me all things are made new. The dead rise and the broken are healed. Take refuge with me and do not lose hope."
She was given back the heart and places it in her chest.
There was a peace and feeling of completion that filled her body at that moment. She felt the beating of a heart but it was not her own.
"I have given you peace and rest. You will go through trials but I am with you. Come to me and follow me. Leave behind your past and live for me."
The warm left the room but the beat of her heart pumped the warmth throughout her body. Renewed and whole she went on.