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"I Never Thought You'd Still Be Here"

August 7, 2019

I just had coffee with a friend, well she drank ice coffee cause it's 100 today and I had water, but at some point in our conversation she said something that literally made everything in me break. I wanted to cry but I couldn't. It wasn't the time or place for it. 

 

She said, "ever since I met you, you've always wanted to do more. You had such an adventurous spirit and I never thought you'd still be here."

 

Well, damn. I knew I wasn't anywhere near where I wanted to be. I could see it. But, to have someone else say they see it too? I was done with our entire hang out from then on. 

 

I felt so incredibly off course and comfortable. I'm not saying I need to be comfortable all the time but I know what I do and don't like. I thought I was being smart. Thinking through things, calculating and planning. Dreaming and journaling. Not stepping out into a risky situation that I could potentially pay for until the day I die. 

 

I have yet to tap my potential. My dissatisfaction with life has nothing to do with caution and everything to do with inaction.

 

I think and plan too often for later. Do this, look like this, talk like this, think like this and THEN you'll be ready to live your life. 

 

Sigh. I keep wasting years!!! I'm alive but not living. Breathing but never really taken a breathe. 

 

Some may understand the frustration while others are so busy they don't see it. 

 

But I'm beginning to find that waiting around for the best, for perfection...isn't worth it. 

 

I'm beginning to think, I'm getting too old to have lived so little life, seen so little of the world. To old to haven't enjoyed things in life that others have. Not to compare my life to theirs but to have a desire to want more and go get it. 

 

There are still things, and will always be things, that I want to improve. So, I will...as I do the things I want to do. And the 2 biggest

 

things are traveling and writing. I kind of broke the glass with this blog. I haven't been consistent in my posting but I have over 25 drafts since I published in late May. 

 

I want to do more of the things I want to do. 

 

So, here's a post. And in a few weeks, I will be visiting 3 cities in a state I've never been. 

 

I don't want to be static anymore. And for the sake of certain potential readers I will refrain from the words in my head and say to an inactive life, "screw that."

 

 

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