How do you accept a love that you do not deserve? How do you fill your heart when there are too many cracks and pieces missing? How do you trust when you have only depended on yourself?
There have been...a lot of things in my life I have struggled with, I have questioned and pondered. What made it all harder for me was I internalized 90 percent of it. So getting to a place of restoration took longer because I was working it out alone. Or I should say, it's taking longer because I have been working alone. I have no intention of telling a sob story to anyone or sounding like I am venting. I am not interested in being weak or feeling like I am incapable to handing things I face. But I cannot move past the fact history speaks for itself. I have come a long way but I would have gotten to a place of rest much faster if I realized much sooner where rest comes from. I by no means have conquered the quest of fullness. Full spirit, mind and body. I haven't overcome pretending to be fine but I have found strength. I haven't overcome love but I have come to begin to love myself. I haven't come to accept the truth of life but I will live.
I took some time to research Redwood seeds. How they require fire, they require heat and pressure to force life from their core. They need the fire. It does not break or burn them. It does not destroy them. The fire provides a platform of growth,an environment to flourish. But the fire doesn't just nourish the seed, it also eliminates the "competition", other plants that can hinder their growth.
For many years, I have received the pressure, the fire and interpreted it as another way to destroy and be destroyed. But instead of destroying me it has nourished me, it has burned away the parts that would otherwise hinder further growth. The fires over the years have been a blessing, they have been what I needed, they have been necessary. While I struggled, the fire made me stronger. From the ashes of the fire, was I able to flourish.