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Figuring Out What I Am To Do


There are many things I did not go after in my life. I am still young but not young enough to just be flippant with my life and the choices I am to make. I had always had an idea of what my life was supposed to be like. What I was to do. And I truly thought that because of what I believed, it would happen. Because it was meant to happen.

There were many life lessons I did not learn from the authority in my life. Many I had to learn on my own and sometimes it was too late and my window of opportunity had passed. The wounds of those disappointments never healed properly.

I had many expectation of my life. Grandiose dreams and expectations. I wanted to be a Lawyer, Surgeon, Actress, Professor, Director, Producer, multiple company CEO, English Teacher, Singer, Musician, Multilinguist, Traveler...I wanted to be many different things. Many I started and attempted. See,I am great with starting things...just tend to be poor with finishing them.

As time past several of these things fell off as I learned what it entailed. I was learning myself and I was able to confidently say "no" to some of these. But the majority remained.

I am older now and certain things need to be in order in my life. Things that are yet to be. And I have no one to blame. If I really wanted to know what my life should be like according to the "American Dream" I could have easily googled it, I am sure. Everything seems to be out there.

My desires had changed from the glory of money and fame to just fame or just money. As I think more and more and learn about the changed person I see in the mirror I am discovering what I really want in my life, what I want to do.

Ultimately, I want 3 simple things in my life. Joy, Security(in every sense of the word) and finally pure purpose filled passion. Preferably creatively.

I really love to learn. I haven't been recently because I have been coping and filling my mind with useless content and voices.

However, I want so much more than this life I live now. I don't want it to just be like this.

I want to learn. I want to learn to become a paramedic and be successful in it no matter how long I do it. I want to learn English and teach to kids and teach creative writing to kids who want to be novelist. I want to inspire and encourage people to be creative where there are in what they are doing. I want to be creative myself and live outside this mold or box the people of the world have set up. I want to not give a care to what people say or think about what I am doing because I am enjoying this short life. Because I am doing what I was always supposed to be doing.

Living boldly and bravely.

SO...I know I have to start somewhere...and I don't really know where to start but...I know I have to do something. Because it is crazy to expect my circumstances to change without doing anything. I cannot hope and pray for a change to happen. I think I need to take steps to make one happen.

I also think, I need to stop thinking so much and just do something. I need to get out of my own way. Which could be far more difficult than simply expressing the desire for change.

Ashes


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