• Ashes

Mindless Behavior

Alright. A few nights ago a friend came over while I was watching my nephews. We were talking about life and work and happiness. Venting certainly but also dreaming.

I went on to tell her how things were going at my job and how when I get home I have to decompress. But instead of constructive decompression I choose mindless action.

When I am at work, I do not have a creative outlet. I MUST have my music because otherwise getting through the day is slow and many times torturous.

See, let me explain something real quick. The importance of being humble and content. My previous job was definitely NOT what I wanted to be doing with my life but I was exactly where I believe I was supposed to be. I was surrounded by real friends that became family. And I was growing...but comfortable. The work environment was...envious. My brother was my boss, my sister (his wife) was a co-worker and a brand new lifelong friend was my office buddy. I couldn't have asked to work for and with better people every single day for 8+ hours. My office-buddy/sister-friend and I would play music ALL DAY. We bonded over our love for musicals and vented about "headquarters". We would sing and hum, literal "whistle while we work". We would have deep and meaningful conversations that my sister would come into as well. Though my brother would give his looks like, "All of you get back to work!", we always got our work done and we were good at what we did.

Then life happens. And the job I have now...there is no room for complaint, truly. The pay is good, the hours are good...but there is no community. There is little commonality. They are kind people just not my people. I was spoiled at my last job and didn't soak it up like I should have.

Like I said there is no reason for complaint but yet I am still unhappy. So, I come to work, I do that work and I leave at 2pm. And when I get home, instead of being creative, doing my love and passion I turn to mindless entertainment. I sit from almost the time I get home to the time I need to get ready to go to bed watching shows or monotonous hallmark movies (though I will say there are a select few that I really like.)

But it gives me the false sense of relaxing and clearing my head.

But I am realizing more and more what it is doing to my creativity.

One day I picked up this Sci-Fi novel I started writing when I was a teenager. (Yea. It's been a long time.) I was coming up empty on a creative plot of a character. I thought of a few plausible things until I realized...that was done before in a movie I saw. For so long, I have allowed my creative muscles to get weak. Very weak. Before, this job, and I am not saying this job is the cause of anything, but before this job, I came up with several movie, novel, novella, short story and business ideas. My creativity was vibrant and original and enough. I didn't watch as much TV, I didn't need to decompress as much and I definitely didn't dread waking I do now. It was still a job. And not what I know I was supposed to do with my life.

This season, this stage of my life, I feel like a zombie. A mindless, passionless human just following the path already paved. So, I have been "reaching for straws". Just hoping to find something new to do. Something worth while and yet enough to take care of things. And from past decisions it has to be more than a few good things. I can no longer accept something for the monetary benefits.

I can see now, why some people are doing what they love even if it doesn't pay well. Though I pray to God that doesn't happen to me, I am beginning to understand the importance of doing what you love and are called to do.

Yes, happy is choice. And I choose to do the things that encourage happiness.


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