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"I am Quite at my Leisure"


But only if I was. I cannot blame anyone. How silly would that be? I have been rather frustrated with life these past few months. I have journal-ed and talked, to work it out and nothing seems to be doing the trick.

I have concluded I need to shut up and do something.

This process is teaching me more about myself. And if I wasn't me, I would be very irritated and probably no longer friends with me.

I am ready for something new, to learn and be excited and passionate about something. In this process, when I am restless, I begin to shut down. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to hang out. I tend to get very irritated with people I have to be around.

This is not, surely, a healthy way of dealing with my restlessness and lack of passion. I have said this many times, but it doesn't change the fact that it is the way I am managing this frustration.

When I think back on school days, I had variety. There was this schedule that I had no say in so I had to figure out ways with in that schedule to get fulfillment. Talking to my friends, flirting, etc. Whatever it was, it got me to the next moment, the next class. Where I would either be engaged in the what I was being taught or I was preoccupying myself with more stimulating engagement. Leisure time, was created within the boundaries of the set schedule.

Now days, "adult-ing", too has a schedule. And at my current job, that schedule has no space for creativity. Hense, my frustration.

I don't like to not have enough work to do in the office. In fact, I HATE it. I remember in college when I worked in the admissions department, I enjoyed taking all of the files and hiding out in the back room to work. For almost my entire shift straight I would listen to music and organize. I LOVED it! Not just because I got to satisfy my antisocial tendencies but because I know that for the next however many hours I would have something to do, something to hold me over before I was free to leave!

Leisure time now, I have learned has to be intentional and creative. You really need to know yourself to truly enjoy it.

What I do now, is very important to the community. But it doesn't work for me. I can do the work, especially, if I have enough. But my mind goes all over the place.

In this office, it has been said several time in various ways that "you do what you have to do, to do what you want to do" or "your job pays for your passion". I totally get it. Completely!

But that just doesn't work for me. I would rather be in school for the rest of my life, then to feel so empty day after day with few things far in-between to look forward to.

Maybe, I need to think more. But I am too young to feel so old and to not try more things. I may have dug myself a very deep hole these past 7 years. But I have got to get out and fill it in with better. Because I think my sanity depends on it.

Ashes.


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