• Ashes

My Last Heartbreak

You know that girl who falls head over heels for the guy then he ends up not loving her back and she is so heartbroken over it that she cries for days until her best friend shows up and they realize they were better for each other than that other jerk-face?!

Well, that is not my story. My story is far worse. My story is much more pathetic and far more real.

My first pseudo- heartbreak was only half-way similar to that of the story above. I liked a boy and I was so sure God put him on this planet for me! He was everything my 12 year old heart could want in a Boy-Man. But I didn't understand who I was or where I should find my identity so I unknowingly let him determine it. He like girls with straight hair so I got permanent damage to straighten mine. But then he decided girls with curly hair was far more beautiful...well that's what I had before! I changed more in the 10 months I knew him...from the first day of 6th grade to the last day, than I know I have until the day that I am writing this for you. I changed what I looked like, acted like, sounded like, what I believed about myself and girls in general until I didn't know what else to do. He talked to me sweet and then ignored me. Do you know what that does to a young girl!? Well. I vowed after that year to never let anyone take advantages of me emotionally ever again... Well that lasted 6 years until I saw the most handsomest guy I had ever come in contact with. I did my "research" as soon as I found out how to spell his last name. I crushed on this guy for an embarrassing amount of time. Now, if you are like me, you pray and pray and PRAY to God that this is the guy for you and that He makes sure to make the guy YOUR guy.

BUT, like most things in life, it didn't work out that way. Now I write this on a day that my future with a guy is still not set in stone. But when I realized that I needed to be realistic, that I needed to come to terms with the facts, my heart wasn't the only thing that was in pain. My entire body felt the heavy beating of my heart, warmth of my tears and the heaves of my lungs. Breathing was a challenge. It used to embarrass me thinking about that day I cried so deeply; I can't escape the image. But this heartbreak was unlike any other I have had or will ever have. This was an acceptance heartbreak. It hurts just as much as another but it doesn't seem to last as long...well it didn't for me. I gave it a few hours. Then the crying stopped, my breathing went back to normal and the ink in my journal stopped running to the edges.

I do not know what will happen, nor do I know what won't happen. But I do know that since experiencing such a break I am stronger for it. I can continue to work toward being fine with the unknown, with pain and with things not working out like I'd like.

If you get absolutely nothing from this post, get this:

Learn how to accept the fact you do not have control over everything in your life.And allow yourself to feel. For strength lies on the other side.

If you can do that, the weight of your world will no longer be on your shoulders. Take on only what you must.

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